Be Happy, Today…

The sun is shining on a frosty day. Snow showers are set for the weekend. My grandma called to say how annoyed she is that this is happening in February. I agreed. She doesn’t go out much as it is, so even a bit of snow will keep her indoors. More of a prisoner than before. Must be horrible to be that alone, and the people that you love the most are only on the end of a phone. Little or no visits. I don’t like not living within walking distance. I feel helpless. I would walk through a snowstorm to see her, and she knows that. I think the thought alone keeps her positive. For now, it’s just bitterly cold, so she’s probably praying that the snow misses our little family circle. I hope so too.

Today feels like we took a giant step back to the beginning of December. Blue skies with heavy white clouds, deep orange sun that only just makes it over the hills to shine on us, and icey air that smells fresh and clean. It’s a bizarre thing. Throw some snow on top of all that, and it really would be a perfect Christmas card picture.

I really love how new each day feels around this time of year, despite the extra wintery feeling. It’s nice to be driving to work, and watching the sun rise on a brand new day. I feel like I’m witnessing some brilliant thing, even though it’s pretty much the same each day, just a bit earlier. It’s nice to appreciate the small things. But, those small things are most likely big things that you just rely on so much, that you stop noticing them.

Today I went to the doctors, and then the hospital, for a few tests to see what’s wrong with my weird, but wonderful, heart. You don’t think about the breaths you take, or the beating your heart does, until something literally stops you, and tells you that they may be in jeopardy. You just expect everything to be okay. Very few things are certain in this life, and they aren’t in that few.

Everyday is quite unknown, no matter how much you plan. So, I’m not much of a planner. Well, that is because I never know what will happen, and because I never know how I’m gonna feel. Life is too short to have have single second planned. Be spontaneous, be happy, have fun, laugh, dance, sing, do what the heck you want, because in the end, it’s the things you didn’t do, that you’ll regret the most. You also need to be happy with who you are, today. And life is definitely too short to give a shit what people think…

 

Hales

Cold…

The cold wind wrapping itself around each bone in my body. The sun shining brightly, lightly kissing everything with deception. Perfect white clouds adorning a lovely blue sky. Leafless trees swaying with the wind to unheard music. Beautiful. Calm. Winter. Smiling people passing by slowly. Each face disappearing into the cold. Hearts beating like silent drums. Each breath is seen. Unsure thoughts drifting through the air, narrowly missing collision. Secrets invisibly lingering above each head. Love is not spoken. The cold wind is wrapping itself around everyone…

H.

Thoughts…

Life is such a weird thing.

Each and everyone one of us, a miracle. A little piece of perfection. A significant piece of nature. Yet, in the general scheme of things, we are but a mere dot on the face of existence. Nothing puts that in perspective for me, more than the night sky. The stars, the moon, the little satellites and distant planets, that look down on us from various places in our galaxy. When I was a kid, I thought the biggest thing, ever, was the earth. But now, our planet is just a cool green and blue ball, circling an even bigger fire-ball, in space. Thinking too much about other galaxies and planets and what ever, fries my brain cells. I am pretty sure there are things around us that we are never meant to understand, or know about. And, for the most part, that is fine with me.

It’s the things closer to us, on earth, that I find more confusing. Like, other people. No one life is like an other. Never has been, and never will be. We look unique, even identical twins have differences, we act in our own unique way, we think our own unique thoughts, and we lead our own unique lives. That both amazes me, and at the same time, fills me with a million questions. Once again, when I was younger, I didn’t understand how two people could have loads of children, and every single one of them look different. It baffled me. That was until I learned all about it in science. Now, I find it brilliantly interesting. Our differences, as humans, are what make us very alike.

I also find it fascinating that one whole body, with limbs, lungs, a lot of bones and muscles, plus various other things, are all controlled by the best double act you will ever know. The heart and brain. That’s a lot of pressure. I mean, sometimes the brain isn’t always on top form, but the heart has no choice but to be. Serious consequences if it misses a beat, or it beats too fast or too slow at the wrong time. Being a person who has a sneaky, but otherwise very healthy, heart, I can assure you that one wrong beat, can send you into such a panic. And, equally, the people around you. It scares me, that if my heart just gives up one day. Throws the towel in, and just says “to hell with this job“, that is the end of my life as I currently know it.

Then, I think about what happens after all of this. Where do we go, if anywhere. I don’t know what to believe. And, quite frankly, I will find out when it’s my time to find out. I’m not worried, and oddly, dying doesn’t scare me. It’s not having time to do all the things that I want to do before that happens, that scares the shit out of me. I once wrote a bucket list. I think I was around fifteen, and it was shortly after my best friend passed away, that it shocked me into really thinking about things. I think I may have even wrote a list of things I want at my funeral. Sad, yes. And it’s really not as easy as you think, when you have seven-million favourite songs, and three favourite colours! But I did it. I also think I threw it away when I moved house. I guess I needed it at that time, so if it turned out that I got to watch my funeral on a HD TV from Heaven, that I’d not be disappointed by the turn out. Small things. I slept better after that.

But all of these things, I find weird. Creation, life and death. Existence in general just puzzles me no end. But I suppose if I had all the answers, I’d be God. And I’m not, I think Tina Turner has that title these days.

 

Hales

Nothing But Newness.

So here it is,  2012. A brand new year. A brilliant time to turn a page, start fresh, do things differently than you did in the year that just swept by. Everywhere the word ‘new’ is visible. It wears thin by mid January, but in the meantime, it is welcomed with a smile and a positive attitude.

I needed a new start. Last year was really shitty, and I spent most of it in some funky “I’m angry at the whole f**king world” mood. People walked through my life like it was a public park, and a few even let their dogs shit and didn’t pick it up. But, this year I am determined not to let that happen again. It’s my own fault, for the most part, because I can smell toxic people miles away, yet I let them close to me. Idiot. Lesson learned.

Not the first lesson of 2011, I can tell you. It wasn’t even the last. But I can positively say that I made it out of last year a better person. I gained wisdom, and I added a year onto my life. Though I lost weight, I guess with all the things I gained, I may have kept a nice balance.

This year will hopefully be promising. New determination, new attitude, new friends, or at least old friends that have returned, new places, new relationships and a lot more new things to laugh at…

So, Happy New Year to you all. I hope you also find something new to smile about!

 

Hales

The Grinch Stole The Christmas Spirit!

Winter is officially here. And with that, comes Christmas. The season to be happy and joyful…Except this year, it feels like the Grinch came along in the night, and instead of stealing the presents, he stole the Christmas spirit. Very few people seem to be ready for it this year, and it’s all a bit sad!
My family are quite big on Christmas. They’d get the tree out at the beginning of November if it was even remotely normal. They deck the house out so much, Santa probably thinks he lives here when he stops by. My parents decorated their first house, before I was even born. Complete with spray on snow on the corners of the windows and tinsel everywhere. They took pictured because they were proud.
But this year, in some weird twist, no one is that bothered. I even heard the words “I’ll be glad when Christmas is over!” mumbled quietly one evening. This is tragic! I have to admit though, with the huge lack in Christmas spirit this year, I pretty much feel the same.
They say that the best Christmases are the ones you have as a child, and I really do believe that. At the moment, anyway. Even though we had no money, the belief in Santa and the sheer excitement, made the whole season worth while.
Now, I’m not saying that I don’t believe in Santa anymore, but I’m at the stage between being a child and being spoiled, and having my own, or friend’s and family member’s, children to spoil. Christmas isn’t the same for these few years.
But, as ever, I remain hopeful that next Christmas will be great and cheery. Very hopeful, obviously!

Have a great Christmas, wherever you may be, and if you’re not in the mood, at least be thankful for what you do have.

Hales

I Am Different.

Here I am, on the eve of my twentieth birthday, in an empty house, listening to the dog breathing, and thankfully counting each precious heartbeat.

Life is such a weird thing. I often look at a picture and I’ll be convinced that time has been stolen from right under my nose.

I look back over the past twenty years, and much of it seems to have mixed itself together, into one large memory, like tangled up Christmas lights. You’ve just got to be patient and untangle them the best you can, hoping that when you’re done, it makes sense, and looks right. Dates and events seem to stick with me quite well, so I’m quite thankful for that. I take after my dad. We both have elephant memories. Or so he says.

People keep telling me that twenty is still so young, and I feel like I have to remain a child until I am told otherwise, regardless of how old I am, and how much of life I have experienced. Sometimes it feels like my age is the first thing people see, and then they judge me, and every future conversation, on that little number. It feels unfair, for the most part. Not everyone my age is the same.

I am older than my age would lead you to believe…

In twenty years, I have been happy and sad, I’ve laughed and cried, I’ve been built up and knocked right back down again. I’ve gained friends and lost them, I’ve loved and hurt, and I’ve been loved and been hurt. And what have I learned from all of this? Well, I learned that life is far too short not to laugh, not to cry, not to let my heart feel what it wants, and to love who it wants. And for those lessons, I am extremely grateful.

I am grateful for the sun and moon, for each breath I take, for every person I meet, for each kiss I receive, for every word that is spoken to me and for the kindness of a smile.

Just because I am only twenty tomorrow, it doesn’t mean that I am a clueless, ungrateful child that lacks wisdom and life experience,

Believe me when I tell you, that I am different…

 

Hales

 

Yeah, That Makes Sense!

I think that I overthink the things I think…This is alarming. I should be worried about how my brain is wired, but to be honest, it can be a little funny!

I was thinking about something earlier, and it was to do with all the weird little sayings that my parents would say to me when I was little. A lot, obviously, didn’t make much sense back then. Problem is, they make just as much sense now that I’m old enough to understand, or at least try to understand.

Some, however, did make sense. It was just how they were used in a situation. They were as out-of-place as having a nice conversation about music, and someone randomly saying ‘hot-pot‘, and it being acceptable and no one batting an eye. Which, in itself is confusing…

Here is what I mean:

 

“If you fall and break your leg, don’t come running to me!” – I let this slide for a little while, until I presumably realised that it would be impossible. The same was said about breaking my neck. I’d just give them a look that said, “I’m sure you’d be the one running to me if I was so fall and break my leg or my neck, parents!“

“If you carry on crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!” – This was, in actual fact, a threat! The thing that I never understood was, I was probably already crying because I got yelled at. So they’d already given me something to cry about. This saying would also make me cry more, so it was just pointless.

“Jesus wept” - This is a prime example of the random ‘hotpot’…It was usually said by my parents, if they were getting sick of telling me to do something. I used to think “Well, maybe he did, but what has that got to do with me not tidying my bedroom?“

“Go play chicken on the M1.” – Now for those of you who don’t know what the M1 is, it is the main motorway in England. This is the answer my brother and I would get if we ever muttered the words “I’m bored, what can I do?” I’m glad we lived quite  a distance away from it when we were younger, because it really did seems like the only option on some days.

“If you eat the crusts on the bread, your hair will be curly.” – Brilliant way to make us think the crusts were actually useful in some way. It worked too, for a while anyway. Until one day when I asked if my mum ate her crusts, she obviously said yes. To which I asked “then why is your hair not curly?” That saying was dropped immediately. (Children 1 – Parents 0.)

“How many times do I have to tell you?” – I think this was a rhetorical question. Well, I hoped it was, because I never had an answer. Which is probably good, because I remember my brother once saying “300“, and my mum just near killed him right there in the middle of the living room.

“Just you wait until your dad gets home!” – I’m not going to lie, this threat worked for quite some time. I can still picture my mum’s somewhat smug face, when we’d sigh and walk away or stop what ever we were doing. My dad was scary when he’d shout. It wasn’t until we realised that he never once said anything to us about our behaviour. We questioned him, and he said that he wasn’t going to yell at us for something he didn’t witness. Score! (Children 2 – Parents 0)

And lastly, for this list anyway: “Why can’t you be more like your cousins?!” – Great, compare us to your own sibling’s children. This bugged me more because, my cousins, or at least the two my mum compared us to, were pretty well-behaved. Or they were when we were around. Goody two-shoes and smart for their ages. As we all got older, my brother and I worked so hard at making sure we were totally different to them. Now, we’re all in our late teens, and my brother and I turned out pretty good. The cousins, on the other hand, are always in trouble. They drink a lot, smoke a lot, are pretty lazy and are quite disrespectful. I’m not sorry that my brother and I were defiant  when it came to this, and I’m pretty sure our parents aren’t, either!

 

I brought this list up in a conversation with my mum, the other day. She says the only one she feels bad about was the cousins one. The other ones, I am sad to say, she still says from time to time. At least now, I can just roll my eyes and hope that she’s been smoking something!

 

Hales